I am renouncing my right and addiction to know the certainties of life. I am surrendering to a life of dependency on Jesus, and this means I surrender my pride, die to my ego, and lift my hands off of 'control'. Honestly, I'm giving up, I have little faith left, I have little hope, and my well and at times my soul are dry. Ive tried to do it on my own too many times, Ive given my whole heart to some people and some things only to realize that it is a foolish end. I'm at a point in my life where I feel broken, I feel weak, and I feel unloved. I have too choices, I can throw down what I know, forsake my heart and turn to things that only satisfy momentarily. Or I can run to my father, on my knees, weeping, and give up all that I am. I feel forsaken and the Lord feels far from me, my heart aches and I am unaware of how to gain my joy again. But I have a longing, a deep rooted seed of an inexplainable peace, a warm homely love, a longing to just spend a moment with Jesus, my papa. This small truth, this one driving desire, this is how I break my ever crashing waves, by giving in to Jesus. Though broken and dark, Light cascades through these cracks, and I'm in a season of learning to trust in God's goodness. Hold the dreams and visions he's given me about my wife and my family with an open hand. My life, my soul are not my own, and I'm learning to rest in green pastures again with Jesus. Feel the earth under my feet, squint my eyes from the bright sun and laugh again, a good hearty laugh. Because I am loved, and I'm ok. I am allowed to hope even though right now I doubt. So I'm giving up, allowing the Lord to take the reigns. I am choosing to hope.
'If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double minded and unstable in all they do.' -James 1:5-8